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Coffee

Friday September 22, 2023

Do I need coffee? I think so. I wonder if coffee is a bad thing sometimes. I enjoy drinking it, but I also enjoy smoking weed and playing Third Strike until I want to collapse. I don’t think it’s a sugar habit disguised as a caffeine habit because I don’t really put that much sugar in there. I can go without cream. If I wanted a milkshake I’d just get a milkshake. I drink coffee in its most slop-like form. Folgers in a shitty drip machine. The kind of shit you choke down as fast as possible so that you’re responsive during your wage slavery. At work, we drink supercoffee from a fucking huge perc pot and it tastes like mud. I drink a cup when I get there and sometimes a second cup after lunch. I thought that switching to the day shift would make it easier to stop drinking coffee, since being on the night shift is what got me started, but somehow I drink more. I think 2 cups is my limit. On the night shift I would drink one, but I’d go to sleep the instant I got home. Obviously, I want to actually do shit when I get home from work during the day, and I’d like to be awake for it. I hope I never become the type of person who needs coffee just to not be a miserable, grumpy fuck in the morning. One time I saw my dad turn into a gorilla when the Keurig machine wasn’t working. He grunted and smacked the side of it because it wasn’t pissing out his liquid crack.

My shitty drip machine

Old Lady Ass Photo

I hate it. I hate it so much. Whoever designed this thing is such an asshole. It probably was not tested a single time. I got rid of my first machine because I broke the pot. My dumb ass put the pot full of coffee in the freezer for too long. I just wanted iced coffee fast, but I got literal coffee ice all over my freezer instead. I was at a thrift shop and saw this old looking one. Because I have terminal “old = good” brain, I bought it with the idea that “I will never need another coffee machine in my life.” That is a real thing I said to my girlfriend. Turns out it’s a huge load of shit and I fully understand why it was at a thrift shop for $10. I feel like it’s crazy to throw TWO cheap, plastic, mostly functional kitchen appliances into the garbage, so I’m just gonna keep this one for now… but if I was to get another one…

I’d get this beast

Moccamaster KBGV Select

It’s a Moccamaster KBGV Select. Compared to a regular drip coffee machine, this thing costs a small fortune at $359. However, it has a design that is almost entirely unchanged since the 70s. Remember: old = good. You can replace parts easily, and it doesn’t have fucking Bluetooth or whatever other gay bullshit is stuffed into modern kitchen gadgets these days. I truly would never have to buy another coffee machine for the rest of my life. Unless I get into pour over or something. Doubtful.

I’d be down to try the fancy shit. I’ll grind the beans and all that. Think of it this way: At work, I drink mud. Work sucks. Hyper boiled coffee dripped through 6 hour old grounds is what I need to power through my coworker’s Filipino video noise binge-watching sessions. At home, it would be nice to enjoy the process. I can chill and think about what I want to do during the day, not just think about how I’m definitely going to have to torch the shit out of a 90 later. No joke, as I’m typing this very sentence, I can hear my coworker torching something in the distance.

But anyway, yeah, that shit costs way too much.


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