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Coffee

Friday September 22, 2023

Do I need coffee? I think so. I wonder if coffee is a bad thing sometimes. I enjoy drinking it, but I also enjoy smoking weed and playing Third Strike until I want to collapse. I don’t think it’s a sugar habit disguised as a caffeine habit because I don’t really put that much sugar in there. I can go without cream. If I wanted a milkshake I’d just get a milkshake. I drink coffee in its most slop-like form. Folgers in a shitty drip machine. The kind of shit you choke down as fast as possible so that you’re responsive during your wage slavery. At work, we drink supercoffee from a fucking huge perc pot and it tastes like mud. I drink a cup when I get there and sometimes a second cup after lunch. I thought that switching to the day shift would make it easier to stop drinking coffee, since being on the night shift is what got me started, but somehow I drink more. I think 2 cups is my limit. On the night shift I would drink one, but I’d go to sleep the instant I got home. Obviously, I want to actually do shit when I get home from work during the day, and I’d like to be awake for it. I hope I never become the type of person who needs coffee just to not be a miserable, grumpy fuck in the morning. One time I saw my dad turn into a gorilla when the Keurig machine wasn’t working. He grunted and smacked the side of it because it wasn’t pissing out his liquid crack.

My shitty drip machine

I hate it. I hate it so much. Whoever designed this thing is such an asshole. It probably was not tested a single time. I got rid of my first machine because I broke the pot. My dumb ass put the pot full of coffee in the freezer for too long. I just wanted iced coffee fast, but I got literal coffee ice all over my freezer instead. I was at a thrift shop and saw this old looking one. Because I have terminal “old = good” brain, I bought it with the idea that “I will never need another coffee machine in my life.” That is a real thing I said to my girlfriend. Turns out it’s a huge load of shit and I fully understand why it was at a thrift shop for $10. I feel like it’s crazy to throw TWO cheap, plastic, mostly functional kitchen appliances into the garbage, so I’m just gonna keep this one for now… but if I was to get another one…

I’d get this beast

It’s a Moccamaster KBGV Select. Compared to a regular drip coffee machine, this thing costs a small fortune at $359. However, it has a design that is almost entirely unchanged since the 70s. Remember: old = good. You can replace parts easily, and it doesn’t have fucking Bluetooth or whatever other gay bullshit is stuffed into modern kitchen gadgets these days. I truly would never have to buy another coffee machine for the rest of my life. Unless I get into pour over or something. Doubtful.

I’d be down to try the fancy shit. I’ll grind the beans and all that. Think of it this way: At work, I drink mud. Work sucks. Hyper boiled coffee dripped through 6 hour old grounds is what I need to power through my coworker’s Filipino video noise binge-watching sessions. At home, it would be nice to enjoy the process. I can chill and think about what I want to do during the day, not just think about how I’m definitely going to have to torch the shit out of a 90 later. No joke, as I’m typing this very sentence, I can hear my coworker torching something in the distance.

But anyway, yeah, that shit costs way too much.